The Brotherhood Sorting Hat
by QueenLydia
Summary: Todd, Fred and Wanda go on a Harry Potter kick and the entire house regrets it.


It wasn't often that Pietro Maximoff was truly, genuinely taken by surprise. He considered it one of his lesser known talents to be able to maintain a perfect facade of cool no matter what was thrown at him. But this... this was something else.

In his defense, he was pretty sure that no one could really expect to be blasted with a handful of green powder by two figures in black cloaks and what looked like witches hats as soon after innocently walking into the living room. In fact, he was totally taken aback. "Hey, what the-" he sputtered, hastily spitting out what little of the acrid-tasting powder had unfortunately landed in his mouth. Once his tongue was finally free of the repulsive mixture, he turned to face the culprits- Fred and Toad, because who else would be stupid enough- with a glare that highly suggested homicidal violence was incoming.

"_My. __**Hair**_," was all that he said, but it was enough to make even Fred shrink back in fear. Just as he should be, mused Pietro, because this hairstyle had taken him half an hour this morning and now it was literally covered in green powder, he _was _going to commit something that would land him in prison-

It was extremely lucky for both Fred and Toad that Wanda chose to speak up when she did, distracting her brother from his thoughts of murder- and she sounded cheerful. "Told you he was a Slytherin!" she cheered, and Pietro was surprised to see that Wanda herself also happened to be covered in powder- hers being a bright crimson that blended in with her vest but stood out starkly against her dark hair.

"Wanda?" Pietro said, his voice sounding more incredulous that it probably should have. After all, if the two idiots had pulled the same stunt with Wanda and they were still alive, then something had to be up. "What are _you _doing?"

"Ain't it obvious?" Toad exclaimed, obviously not caring that he hadn't even been addressed. "We're the Sorting Hat?"

"The-" Pietro's eyes narrowed in confusion as he frowned at Toad before turning back to Wanda with a question written on his face. She shrugged casually, smirking.

"Just let them explain. You'll get it."

"The Sorting Hat," reiterated Fred again, raising a prompting eyebrow. Pietro's face remained blank.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!" Toad exclaimed, his eyes widening in incredulity. Pietro scowled. "Wanda, Snookums, please- do _not _tell me that your brother doesn't know Harry Potter!"

"I _know _it," Pietro scowled, roughly shoving the two black-clad idiots aside and walking past them into the room. "Doesn't mean I like it."

Fred frowned, looking bewildered. "You mean, you don't like Harry Potter?"

"Is that even possible?" Toad questioned. "Everybody likes Harry Potter!"

Pietro shrugged. "Harry Potter's just always seemed overrated to me."

Toad, for one, seemed personally affronted by Pietro's evident disbelief in his favorite fictional wizard. "Are you even _human_, yo?" he demanded, scowling as he leaped off of Fred's shoulders and on to the ground, immediately beginning to pace around the room. "Harry Potter ain't just some magical kid with glasses- Harry Potter is revolutionary! Harry Potter is about... the good and bad in humanity! It's about justice and heroes and people who ain't afraid to fight for what they believe in, no matter what it might cost 'em! It's about a world where magic's real, and even better, where everything isn't totally awful for anyone who's different! How can you not like Harry Potter?"

"Even _I _like Harry Potter!" All eyes turned to where Wanda was lounging in the large armchair, her brother's gaze the most taken aback of all. Wanda blinked back at them nonchalantly. "What? That Xavier used to bring me books to read sometimes. He brought me Harry Potter one day." She shrugged, gesturing to the red powder in her hair. "I'm a Gryffindor. And he-" She pointed at Fred, and Pietro at last noticed that the larger mutant had a light dusting of yellow on the front of his overalls. "Would be a Hufflepuff."

"Is _that _what this stuff does?" Pietro brushed some more of the strange powder from the front of his sweater. As soon as it drifted down to the floor, it turned a dull grey- like ash.

"Mmm- hmm," Wanda replied, sounding a bit proud. "I made that myself. It's supposed to tell you what Hogwarts house a person would be in."

"And it actually works?"

"So far," she shrugged. "Though pretty much anyone on earth could have guessed you'd be in Slytherin."

"Whatever," Pietro rolled his eyes, wandering over to the window. "I don't even know what that means, anyway. To me it just looks like color changing dust- hardly 'revolutionary,'" he added, casting a side glance at Toad, who scowled. What Pietro didn't see was the way that Wanda's face was gradually darkening as her brother continued to demean what she had worked so hard on. Pietro had no idea how close he came to having a lamp smashed into the back of his skull- the only reason he managed to escape this unsettling fate was the sudden entrance of Lance into the living room, with Kitty on his arm.

Fred didn't miss a beat- he immediately tossed another handful of dust into Lance's face, causing Kitty to gasp and Lance to let out a cry before launching into a sneezing fit. Remembering the uncomfortable feeling of the powder coating his tongue, Pietro was almost driven to wince in sympathy- but instead settled for smirking, because Lance's stunned expression just looked so darn funny. Gradually, the rocktumbler managed to regain his composure and finally rounded on Fred, gathering what little was left of his injured dignity as his face slowly turned red to match the powder covering the front of his black shirt.

"I don't even care if that junk was some magical powder designed to _save my life_- you are going _down_, Witch-Blob!" A mild tremor accompanied his words.

"Oh, relax Lance," sighed Pietro, crossing his arms. "They got me, too. All three of them are on a Harry Potter kick, apparently."

"The- _three _of them?" Lance echoed in bewilderment, and he slowly spun around to see Wanda sitting in her chair staring back at him. His face contorted in confusion as he turned back to Fred and Toad. "What did you do to Wanda to get her to _help _you?"

"Nothing," Wanda shrugged. "I like Harry Potter."

"So," Kitty spoke up from the doorway, and it was then that all of the Brotherhood members simultaneously remembered that she had come in with Lance, "what's the stuff supposed to do?"

Fred helpfully held p the paper bag that was currently holding what remained of the sorting powder. "It's supposed to tell you what house you'd be in if you were at Hogwarts." Suddenly his face changed, going fro happy to dismayed in an instant. "Aww man!" he exclaimed, frowning down at the bag in his hand. "We only got Lance when he came through the door!"

"That's fine," shrugged Wanda. "She's a total Ravenclaw anyway."

"Actually," Kitty shrugged, tentatively taking a seat on the couch- she was still a bit uneasy around the Brotherhood chaos, but was slowly beginning to see that it was only slightly more illegal than the usual ruckus caused by the New Mutants- "I'm a Hufflepuff." She gave Wanda a slight smile. "I love Harry Potter too."

"Wait, wait, wait-" Todd held up his hands, frowning as he surveyed the room. "So she's a Hufflepuff and so's Freddy, Wanda's a Gryffindor, Pietro's a Slytherin, Lance is a-" Lance glowered as the younger boy's gaze came to rest on him. "Right, not lookin' at Lance- so basically everybody's got their Hogwarts house but me, yo!"

A short silence came to rest over the room as everyone seemed to realize that Toad was the only one who no one had yet aimed for with the powder. Toad, hands on his hips, looked wholly indignant as he stared around the room, and Wanda shrugged sheepishly.

"Huh," muttered Fred, and then without another second of hesitation he came up behind his friend and dumped the entire final contents of the bag over Toad's head. There was a second of violent sputtering as the amphibian mutant fought to recover from the sudden dust attack. "Hey!" he exclaimed crossly. "I was _glaring _there! I- oh." He cut himself off as he realized that the dust covering him was slowly beginning to change colors.

Wanda blinked incredulously, her face shifting into a dismayed frown as she surveyed Toad standing in front of her. "I... don't believe it," she muttered. "I must have done something wrong."

Lance shook his head, taking a step back. "No way can he be in the same house as me!"

Toad, on the other hand, was exuberant. "I'm a Gryffindor, yo!" he exclaimed joyfully, leaping across the room and showering red dust wherever he landed. "Look at me! Red and gold baby, whoo-hoo!" He hopped up to Wanda, landing directly in her lap in a soft plume of red and gold. "You know what this means, don't you Poopsie?"

"Ugh," Wanda groaned, pressing a hand to her face and using her other hand to shove Toad to the floor. "Get off me, lamebrain!"

Toad, as usual, was undeterred. "I'm a Gryffindor!" He continued to whoop, bouncing himself off of Fred's broad shoulders, nearly overturning the television again, and even earning a slightly bewildered high five from Kitty. "I'm a Gryffindor!"

"I must have done something wrong," Wanda was still muttering. "I must have done something wrong..."

From where he was still standing over by the window, Pietro crossed his arms and shook his head at the scene in front of him. Toad was going crazy; Wanda was talking to herself again; Lance seemed like he wanted to bring the house down; Fred was grinning; and Kitty looked confused. It's no wonder I don't like Harry Potter, he mused to himself as without another word he sped out of his room and up the stairs. From what he had just seen, it could drive anyone crazy!

_Seriously_, he wondered to himself as he gingerly pulled the mint condition full boxed collectors set of signed Twilight novels out from under his bed and lovingly caressed away any trace of dust from their flawless bindings, _am I the _only _normal one around here?_

**AN: I... tried to write not about Pietro? Like, I really did? But hey, at least we've got the entire Brotherhood here. And a bonus Kitty (who I was super conflicted about sorting, urghh, but somehow I got pulled over to Hufflepuff!Kitty. You know who you are who's responsible for that, and yeah, I fully blame you for this entire story.)**

**Enter my shameless excuse to do my own Sorting for the Brotherhood! I know, I know, I could have just written a Hogwarts AU, but this seemed more fun for some reason, even though I know it wasn't. Eh, maybe that Hogwarts AU will happen someday- no idea. Anyway, what are you guys' thoughts on my sortings? What houses do you think the Brotherhood would end up in?**

**As an aside, I'm a proud Hufflepuff. Big surprise there. :P**


End file.
